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So this use to be a joint blog between Denise, Eva and I... BUT IT'S MINE NOW >D
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I will wait.
Monday, 14 October 2013 // 7:41:00 am I keep rereading it and everytime I see it's all in past tense and just how wishy washy it is, I'm slowly coming to realise, I wish it wasn't, but I don't think it can go back and it's my fault. I don't think there is actually any hope haha, it's like experiencing that process all over again, I tried so hard to do it before, it was a painful process that I slowly got use to, but I guess I need to go do it all over again. It's like what I tried so long to seal, people have come along and suddenly poked holes in it and releasing out whatever I've been trying so hard to conceal inside. Slowly the holes are getting bigger and its becoming more exposed and it's getting more empty inside. Time to reseal. Aaaaah what am I doing. I'm suddenly so scared of seeing how everything goes. Everyone is in such a fragile state right now. I just want to give you all a massive hug. We all have our individual things to sort out and maybe if those aren't, or put aside, coming together won't actually happen. We all have right now our misunderstandings, barriers, confusion, sadness, judgments, mistakes, there are so many things. As negative and as hard as it may seem, as much as it seems we will never look at each other the same, that our group will never be the same, I still remember the memories and the wonderful moments we created and shared. There is no doubt how much each and everyone of us cherish those moments, and I will hold on to them as motivation. It is unfortunate how things turned out. It will be hard, it really will, but no matter how long, how difficult, I'm willing to wait, because what we had was something so special nothing can ever replace, and at the same time can't go away, or will I allow to go away. I know it will be hard to replicate what we use to have, in fact it might not even be the same, but I personally don't mind anymore that it won't be the same. I just want to hold onto the happiness and love we all gave each other, it is something so unique and I'm so lucky and grateful to have. We've all been hurt and scars have been made and the process of healing may be long, but hey, what is life without cuts and burns, I'm willing to go through more pain and tears, share each other's pain and tears. I'LL BE YOUR BAND-AID AND TOILET PAPER. If we need fist fights then let there be fist fights, if we need to verbally lash out at each other, and I mean in voice and not in typed words, then lets verbally yell at each other, maybe it's because we've always bottled everything inside, and gotten use to communicating to each other in indirect ways, like blog posts and tumblr posts, we have never really been talking to each other about how we feel, this is how it turned out. Maybe we just really need to hear everyone voices and words coming out of mouths, rather than on the screen and reading, and listen to each other, whatever we need. Also, you two who want to take all the blame and all the negativity by yourself, not only does that hurt you. But its wrong. There is no one person to blame, it may have started from an individual or multiple people but it was all of us who let it get this way and therefore all of us will fix it together. If it makes you feel better that way to take the blame, I hope you know that method of protecting others, I disagree with and think is wrong. Yes I've been angry at how did this all happen, why did you do this, what are you doing, why have you made me feel this way and there have been many times, I just wanted to leave and cut all connections with everyone, but there was always that little something inside me that pulled me back made me stay no matter how hurt and annoyed I was and that little something was remembering how much fun and great it was to to be with everyone and just being in your presence, I couldn't have asked for anything better, and I really wanted to hold on to that, and I still do, and I hope you do too. Sacrifices will have to be made, it will be hard to accept, hard to get over, hard to move on from, I don't like that but I'm willing, for all of us and I know we're all willing and all the same, we just want everything to be okay. It won't be perfect, but nothing and no one is ever really perfect. At 9.55am today I suddenly started crying and shaking uncontrollably, I have never shook so much before, and it wasn't even because I was scared of hsc, I was scared for us, and scared for everyone else that's scared. Which is why I don't want to lose us and we can get through it together. Alright HSC TIME! This is also something small and insignificant, but on whatsapp, it sorts out conversations based on how recent something has been said there, it use to always be first on my list, but recently, its gone down to 8th :( Like its not even there on ny screen when I first open whatsapp, I have to scroll down to see it. I don't know, its just something I noticed that makes me sad because I use to be able to always expect something to be there even though I'm the only one talking the majority of the time. Of course that can be easily changed, but yeah. Walking home when you don't want to go home, even if you walk slower and took longer, it seems like you got home so much faster than usual. Time is a funny thing. I enjoyed the walk though :) My phone blogger doesn't work anymore :( |
 So this use to be a joint blog between Denise, Eva and I... BUT IT'S MINE NOW >D tumblr :D follow our blog ? :) |