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So this use to be a joint blog between Denise, Eva and I... BUT IT'S MINE NOW >D
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Thursday, 13 March 2014 // 10:33:00 am I really enjoy my experience globalisation course, it's really interesting! It's somewhat similar to legal studies and as bad as I was at that, it was something I was interested in soooo yay! :) Today I needed to tell my story. When it actually came out of my mouth I realised just how…feeble it sounded. I wondered what they thought when I told it. When one knows the truth and the other suspects, the need to still tell the story made me feel stupid and scared, what would they think of me, would they be angry. It let me know I don't want to have to tell this story ever again, I shouldn't have needed to tell it in the first place. I learned my lesson. But it also me feel how she once felt, the fear. The fear of judgment and the fear of looking at worried faces. I can now empathise with that. I'm sorry and forgive me. Normally that tone I hear when you're talking about other people or you're complaining about something. Never have I ever had it directed AT me. Can't say I wasn't upset. So tell me, what do you hide from me that happens on...never mind. I really don't like who I am right now. Can I actually say I miss myself. I miss when I was a spastic crazy weirdo. I miss when I was so much more like a child. I miss when I was not so negative and had no dark thoughts. I miss when I was more active. I miss when all I did when I came home was read manga watch anime and play Maplestory. I miss when I could say I have two bestfriends. I miss when my bestfriend and I had sleepovers that lasted a week. I miss msn. I miss when I was relatively confident in myself. I miss when I was extra innocent. I miss people. I miss conversations. I miss late night conversations. I miss late night calls. I miss when I was relatively smart. I miss not being a failure. I miss being a good friend. I wish...I wish for so many things, but of all the things I wish for, right now, what I wish for most is that I wasn't curious, I wish for everyone's happiness, I wish no-one was hurt. I wish for it all to go away. I wish my negativity would go away. I wish I wasn't so difficult. I wish to be more than fine, more than okay. Why is it the amount of times I wished for something at 11.11, none of them have come true. How long, how long do I need to wait for something to come true. How long do I have to wait. How far is'it'll be okay'. How far is we'll be okay. Yes thank you tears. Stress and emotions washed and cleared out yes? Yes. Leaving and focusing on doing work actually helped clear my brain. Crystal you have an actual goal now. Please work hard towards it. Just this once, don't fail. Day 2. |
 So this use to be a joint blog between Denise, Eva and I... BUT IT'S MINE NOW >D tumblr :D follow our blog ? :) |